The title of this post might be a bit misleading, because obviously I wish I could change what happened, but to be honest, I just couldn’t think of a headline that worked.
There are days, hours, moments since Simon died that I feel like an abject failure.
A father, a husband, is supposed to protect his family, and I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, someway I failed, and I continue to do so.
First and foremost, I failed to protect my son. I couldn’t keep him safe. Logically I know that there’s nothing I (or anyone else) could have done to protect him, but logic doesn’t exist in my world right now. I couldn’t protect him, and now he doesn’t get to grow up with a mom and dad that love him and a big brother that would have been the absolute best big brother imaginable.
I failed/am failing to protect my wife from the heartbreak, the shattering pain and grief that losing our son caused/is causing. I can’t protect her from the thoughts that creep in. The doubts. The nightmares. The worries. The anxiety. I can’t protect her from a world that says things like “everything happens for a reason”. I can’t.
I wish I could go back and be the protector that Simon needed. That Simon deserved. But I know I can’t. I hope I can protect my wife from the unending pain of a loss that no one should be forced to endure. I hope I don’t fail Nolan and he is still able to grow up to be the happy, kind person he deserves to be.
I hope I can do all of this, BE all of this, because Simon, Nolan and Tera deserve that from me.